On a recent airing of the Warren Ballentine show, the nationally syndicated talk radio host and author made this very statement. It was in response to a show focused on exploring the dynamics of black male-black female relationships in our community, and several male callers had indicated that they either were already involved in the lives of their children or had a strong desire to be.
“Men don’t leave their children; they leave their women.”
That’s what Warren said. At the time, I wanted to curl up my lips and scoff with the rest of the amen choir of sister listeners who were probably tuned in across the country and doing the same thing at that very moment. But that quote has crystallized in my mind, and here I am, thinking about it weeks later, because I am feeling like Mr. Ballentine is on to something and totally has a point that is painful and too personal to discuss openly among ourselves.
“Men don’t leave their children; they leave their women.”
Let me first explain why I had such a hard time with this statement on its face. As a woman and as a mother – or maybe just as a human being – I recognize that the sexes are just different, period. There’s that whole chromosomal thing, that Venus vs. Mars. There’s the fact that we were designed differently for many distinct reasons – Biblically – and that science has shown differences in how men and women, boys and girls, operate and think. Specifically, as a mother, I know how attached, invested, linked, connected, drawn to, caught up in, allied with, in love with, caring for, adoring of, committed to, obligated toward, passionate about . . . [insert any number of similar descriptors] my Little Ladies.
My children are the light of my life and have become the first consideration in most that I do.
That’s why it’s hard for me to fathom how men can leave their children. I feel disassociated from fathers who are so in a biological sense only. How a man can abandon or dismiss an innocent being with his genetic input and, perhaps, so many of his other qualities is so foreign to me. And I seldom, if ever, grant such men a pass when it comes to excuses, defenses or explanations. Not raising one’s own child is just trifling, selfish, irresponsible, clueless, careless and inhumane.
But then we come to this: “Men don’t leave their children; they leave their women.”
A male friend recently related something similar to me. And I’ve heard anecdotal stories on this theme over the years, in pockets, in relative isolation, away from the fanfare of single mothers doing it all by themselves. Beneath the reality – and appearance – of single sisters struggling, striving and straining to raise their babies on the solo tip occasionally lurks an accomplice who keeps the man – the father – at bay.
That accomplice, ostensibly, can be the mother herself. Sometimes she stands between the father and the children – and on purpose.
The reasons and rationalizations for this vary. Sometimes women are angry that the amorous relationship with the father has ended, so they prevent him from seeing his children. In other instances, the relationship has been dead for a long time and everything seems functional, until he pairs up with a new woman, and then things fall apart, due to the mother’s jealousy.
In some cases, the father has fallen on hard times and can’t make the court-ordered or agreed-upon-under-the-table child support payments. Tying his access to the children directly to his financial support, some mothers favor the dollars over time with daddy; this makes the entire paternal experience conditional for the children in a way they cannot control or prevent.
Sometimes, women let family interfere. They let relatives’ unsolicited advice and unsubstantiated opinions get in the way, keeping the father at bay as a result. Some families are so dysfunctional that they feel being raised by a coop of cackling women is better than having a willing and able father in the picture, however limited. Misery has always loved company.
The Internet is replete with tales of woe and wrongdoing by mothers who won’t let their children’s father(s) interact with them. It’s also loaded with information on why good fathers are such a formative ingredient in the optimal development of a child of either sex.
Fathermag.com is devoted to showing the world why and how fathers are important to children’s well-being. One article, “Fatherless Boys at Risk,” offers some sobering and disturbing nuggets on what can occur, finding that:
• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)
• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
• 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)
Hmm. I wonder if we’d find similar stats if we surveyed strippers, teenage mothers, adult inmates and other social castaways.
The federal Child Welfare Information Gateway also shines a light on the critical role of fathers. Their positive involvement is positively associated with children’s educational, psychological, cognitive and behavioral well-being:
The mother-father relationship, the agency says, is fundamental: One of the most important influences a father can have on his child is indirect—fathers influence their children in large part through the quality of their relationship with the mother of their children. A father who has a good relationship with the mother of their children is more likely to be involved and to spend time with their children and to have children who are psychologically and emotionally healthier. Similarly, a mother who feels affirmed by her children's father and who enjoys the benefits of a happy relationship is more likely to be a better mother. Indeed, the quality of the relationship affects the parenting behavior of both parents. They are more responsive, affectionate, and confident with their infants; more self-controlled in dealing with defiant toddlers; and better confidants for teenagers seeking advice and emotional support.
One of the most important benefits of a positive relationship between mother and father, and a benefit directly related to the objectives of the CPS caseworker, is the behavior it models for children. Fathers who treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict within the relationship in an adult and appropriate manner are more likely to have boys who understand how they are to treat women and who are less likely to act in an aggressive fashion toward females. Girls with involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships. In contrast, research has shown that husbands who display anger, show contempt for, or who stonewall their wives (i.e., "the silent treatment") are more likely to have children who are anxious, withdrawn, or antisocial.
I believe that unless there is a history of physical, sexual or emotional maltreatment or abuse, children should have access to their fathers – whatever the relationship between the mother and the father. It doesn’t matter if he cheated on the mother, if he can’t afford child support right now or if he’s moved on and made another woman his legitimate wife.
What do you think? Have you witnessed – or been party to – this type of toxic dynamic?