Preferring to Partner Outside One's Race

Amid all the testy talks, blame-throwing, fiery debates, cantankerous mudslinging and ongoing standstills on the issue of interracial dating and marriage, there lurks a little-discussed supporting role that rarely takes center stage: people who prefer members outside of their own race as romantic partners.


I’m not talking about someone like myself – a black woman who would give a white guy who looks like Harry Connick, Jr. the time of day (or night) if single and searching. In fact, I’m not referring to any man or woman of any race who so happens to find a white, black, Asian or Hispanic person attractive or who is or has been in a relationship with such a person.

Instead, I am thinking of those individuals who actually clearly prefer men or women who are not of their own racial dispensation. I mean black men who find the average white Jane more desirable than the hottest and most intelligent black woman on the planet. I am pointing to sisters who say no black man does it for them and find white men of practically any variety more appealing. I am calling out white men who will only date Asian women. I am considering . . . well, you get the point. I mean persons of any race who prefer and will pick prospects outside of their own race before and view ever giving the slightest consideration to someone of their own racial background as an afterthought, laughable, detestable, ridiculous, and repugnant.

Have you ever met anyone like this?

I once recall casually dating a guy who had these tendencies. He was African-American, had two graduate degrees, owned a home, had no children and was in every way perfect on paper, albeit entirely too lanky for my tastes. I was at the time pretty much as I am now – same look (natural hair), same stylistic sensibility (corporate funk), same diversionary interests (books, literature, poetry, current events, fitness). He was feeling me, he admitted. But he couldn’t get past my naps and so many of the negative associations he attributed to black women – some of which were so arcane, I had never heard of them.

Based on tales from his frat friends, he believed that white women had softer skin than black women. He also believed that white women were too supportive and black women, he said, “too brawny and brainy,” once we’ve accomplished anything. He had a preoccupation with skin color and placed a high value on blue veins beaming beneath the surface (I recall it being summer and my conventionally caramel tone that would admit me into the Blue Vein Society had become a burnished bronze; he seemed concerned.)

Clearly, this was going nowhere, and I let this guy know with the quickness. I found him entertaining, however, and maintained communication with him months later for the sheer comic value. He went on to marry a non-black woman.

I have heard (anecdotally and in online communities) about black men and women who prefer anything but someone who reminds them of themselves, their families, their beginnings. I have had female friends tell me of male relatives who only date or marry white; in fact, in some such families, the entire current generation of black men has paired off with white women. Increasingly, I have read about black women developing a similar stated preference, often correlating involvement with black men with a range of programmed, tracked and publicized pathologies.

What I have to ask is, is this normal? Is it psychologically healthy or self-conceptually defensible to prefer someone (or a people) who cannot remind you of yourself? This is distinct from appreciating the features of a person who happens to be (insert race). This is different from choosing to date interracially as an exercised option – not as an unquestionable default.

Working Mothers - If You Didn't HAVE to Work, Would You Work Anyway?

Ever since I became a mother, not working has not been a real option.

The only time I went without full-time employment was when I was around five or six months pregnant with Little Lady #2. However, even during that time, I was pursuing graduate studies and hustling with all kinds of freelance and contractual gigs in my field. I returned to the workplace full-time when she was eight weeks old - that same age Little Lady #1 was when I went back to work, as my post-C-section maternity leave ran out.

As a working mother, those early days were the toughest. Having an infant, a being so vulnerable, so defenseless and whom you have cultivated from the cellular level in your very own body makes the reality of distance - however brief - difficult, at best. Really, it can be a heart-wrenching experience. Fundamentally, there is something intrinsically unnatural about building a body and housing a soul for 40 weeks, only to depart from it 6-8 weeks after his or her birth, left in the care and oversight of others who - even if they are close relatives - can never have the depth of emotional connection that is naturally and involuntarily the province of most mothers.

My Little Ladies are now 2 and 5. The younger one seemingly grows more independent, more grown-up, more like a little girl rather than a baby every week. Retrospectivly, time has flown by. I look at pictures and watch video clips of them as infants, of me in hospital beds dressed in gowns, of my physique in post-partum recovery . . . and it truly feels like yesterday, even though I am now more than 2,000 days into parenthood.

I have always been conflicted about working full-time and being a mother. But lately my internal meter has started to trend in another direction. Yes, I think of the idyllic life when I see non-working mothers leisurely shopping during daytime hours with their strollers in tow. Yes, I can feel a twinge of envy when women, dressed in their velour sweatsuits, eat lunch out and about without ever checking for the time or seeming rushed. Yes, I hate that doctor's offices and many child-friendly outings occur when most of America is at work and on the clock.

But these days, I'm not sure I would surrender my employment to be a stay-at-home mother. Not only am I still reverberating from the shock of having read The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? years ago, I see firsthand the challenges that women who've left the work force face when they try to re-enter. In the classes I teach, I see mothers trying to get their bearings after devoting what would have been the formative phases of their career to their kids. Yes, their sacrifices have been noble, and I totally believe in the value of having a present, checked-in mother at the ready, especially if she is acting as an agent of education (because she, herself, is educated and able), spirituality and care for her brood. (Mothers who spend all day on Facebook, blogging, watching TV or doing her own thing with her child as an accessory do not qualify for my SAHM respect.)

Something about working, especially when I've had a good day or have been recognized for my contributions and talents, makes all the years I've spent studying and honing my craft worth it. It means something when I change lives through the effort I expend and time I invest in people. It matters when my work is acknowledged, recognized, published and promoted to broader audiences.

Something about working has imparted a sense of goal-setting in my older daughter, as she innocently thinks about what she wants to be when she grows up. Something about working and contributing to the well-being of our household, while doing practically everything else that stay-at-home mothers do (or claim to do) makes me feel extremely proficient, efficient and capable.

I am not merely working for myself. I am working for my family.

If we won the lottery tomorrow, would I turn in my notice?

More than likely.

But that just means I would turn my attentions to passions, goals and pursuits that enable me to better manage my own time according to the needs and whims of myself and my family. And that certainly doesn't mean not working and making money in exchange for the intelligence, experience and ingenuity I can bring to the table.

The stay-at-home phenomenon - the Ozzie and Harriet, June Cleaver, Brady Bunch lifestyle - that we remember fondly is emblazoned on the tapestry of American nostalgia. But the sobering fact of the matter is that most women, unless they were highly privileged, have always worked. This is especially true for black women, working-class women, poor women and middle-class women.

So I feel a change taking root in how I have processed the ambivalence of working motherhood. Maybe it's because I am no longer in the "new mother" category and have gotten accustomed to the chaos. The clicking of high heels and the concommitant clashing of dishes in the sink has a familiar cadence. Maybe it's because I feel like I've missed the boat and am preparing for my children to need me in new and different ways. And maybe it's also because I know the reality of my life, the lot of most working families' lives, and the changing tides of an economy that is forcing multitudes of former stay-at-home mothers into the work force, often with dusted-off skills, gap-filled resumes and adjusting pains long put off.

Are More Black Women "Going Gay"?

Our communities are in a state of crisis.

If you're like me - economically comfortable, suburban, well-educated and comparatively privileged - it can be easy to forget that this sort of lifestyle is more of a dream than a reality, and more of a myth than a mantra, for many African-American households and families that are in a constant state of crisis. In fact, most people like me probably don't spend much time thinking about the "other side," as they sip their lattes, flip through the latest issue of Black Enterprise and believe they're getting truly informed by watching CNN.

Fortunately, my trappings are not my true self - my cares, my concerns, my allegiances, what keeps me awake at night or what keeps me writing, reading, blogging, praying.

Crises, of course, can be subjective. I believe that 70 percent of black children are born to single mothers is a crisis. I find the downswing in black marriage unaccpetable. I think black women have lowered their standards, lost their hopes and, in many cases, have settled for facsimiles of the real thing. I think many black young men have abdicated their responsibilities and potential, as they carry on the mantle of being largely uninvolved, unconnected, non-custodial donors of biological material that makes babies. In fact, many of them were such victims of such behavior.

We are in dire straits. I don't feel as if I am being gratuitously sensational or hyperbolic by phrasing it in this way.

For quite some time - the past few years, at least - I have noticed more black young women and older women apparently coupling with each other. And as open-minded as I tend to be, as comfortable as I am with gay people, I can't help but wonder if this is in response to having no positive male models in their lives, to being rejected by black men, to not being able to find viable black mates, to insulate themselves against the plethora of painful statistics associated with black men. Perhaps they have been the collateral damage of unbinded unions, never made official, as men and women partnered in only a temporal and ephermeral sense.

Well, apparently I'm not the only one noticing. This site features a 17-page thread on black women going gay. Is it real or imagined, fact or faux? What could be the reasons for this swing or trend, if there is one?

This post on the tread, written by someone called "Olmec," summarizes how I really feel:

The lesbian and bi-sexual life style is becoming wide spread for a certain percentage of Black females. It appears to be driven by the need for love, acceptance, fun, sex and just plain rebellion. I believe most of these girls are just experimenting and the rest are developing it as a life style. In the end the numbers probably match the countries as a whole.


We may have a higher amount of our young woman experimenting with this life style due to the lack of loving father figures. Also, mothers may be condoning this behavior, in some way, because they are single and their sex life is a mystery to their own daughters. Most of us try to emulate our parents.


There are a few things we as parents and people that love our community can do. 1. Fathers must return home and give their daughters the love and reassurance that only a father figure can give. Women who experience abandonment tend to make a higher degree of personal relationship mistakes. 2. Mothers need to have stable loving relationships with Black males. The daughters need to see that mom has a healthy romantic, sex life that makes her happy. Too many black women are hiding the fact that they need a man and it causes some confusion in the children. The big question that is never answered to young girls is: If there are not enough good men to go around just what are all the single black women doing for sex and romance? 3. Fathers and black men must decide if TV and society determines beauty or do we have our own standards. If the black men decided to value darker skin as much as white men value blonde hair then the black woman would feel special and pretty for just having darker skin.

The Father, boy friends and other men must tell the young woman how beautiful she is on a daily bases. This is difficult for mentally corrupt males who have submitted to the values of another culture. The question for the black female supporting cast is: how many times a day does a blonde female hear, feel or see something that reminds her that she is special and how many times a day does a black female get the same amount of feed back a day?

I think the black mothers and the black fathers need to come clean because these girls are seeing right thru them and they are developing their own moral code. The sad thing is that the next Einstein may not be born in the black race because his mother decided to try an alternative life style that she did not shake until her child bearing days were gone.


The positive aspect to this current rise in lesbianism and bi sexual behavior is that many of these young inquisitive minds can be focused on more productive usage of their time. Once minds are open it only takes leadership to direct.

We are standing on the apex of a new era in our community. All the problems we have left can be fixed by utilizing our own resources.

What Will You Do During Black History Month?

Today marks not only the beginning of a new month, but also the start of Black History Month. It's that yearly time when black households, public schools and segments of mainstream America pay homage to the contributions African-Americans have made to this nation, as well as the strivings and struggles of a people who have a history like no other.

I have mixed feelings about Black History Month, which began as Negro History Week by Carter G. Woodson in 1926. He had noble intentions for these 28 days. As the Association for the Study of African American Life and History puts it: "Woodson chose February for reasons of tradition and reform. It is commonly said that Woodson selected February to encompass the birthdays of two great Americans who played a prominent role in shaping black history, namely Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass, whose birthdays are the 12th and the 14th, respectively. More importantly, he chose them for reasons of tradition. Since Lincoln’s assassination in 1865, the black community, along with other Republicans, had been celebrating the fallen President’s birthday. And since the late 1890s, black communities across the country had been celebrating Douglass’. Well aware of the pre-existing celebrations, Woodson built Negro History Week around traditional days of commemorating the black past. He was asking the public to extend their study of black history, not to create a new tradition. In doing so, he increased his chances for success."

Woodson, however, was focused on much more than one week relegated to the study of Black history. Instead, he saw the burgeoning movement as an opportunity to seed a shift in the public consciousness - to weave Black history into the larger fabric of American history, not as a supplement or sidebar, but as an integral ingredient in practically every main course.

During Black History Month, Americans are treated to a variety of televised specials and documentaries, usually on slavery and the Civil Rights era. Local colleges and universities often host panels with notable names in media, academia, science, pop culture, literature and sociology. Schoolchildren receive coloring sheets of figures like Martin Luther King and Harriett Tubman.

And this all speaks to part of my problem with Black History Month. So much of the history is relegated to select times and places, and spaces and phases. It begins with a history that starts off with slavery or, at best, the trans-Atlantic passage, and concludes with the late 1960s. Instead, I firmly believe that Black History Month should encompass a more inclusive and accurate picture of our place in American and world history. From an American context, there should be some emphasis on the fact that many Africans were already in the Americas before Columbus's arrival, that our history is replete with more than chains and servitute. We have been navigators, discoverers, inventors, explorers, creators - long before slavery and, clearly, well after. White people need to realize that Black history is, in fact, their history, and in more ways than one. If most black Americans put forth the investigative effort, vast investments in time and some ponying up of money, many whites could very well find black relatives - several degrees removed - at their doorsteps making introductions and asking uncomfortable questions. Believe me, I've done it!

Morever, we should not act as if slavery is such a distant memory. If I were to go back only four generations (in some cases, maybe three), I could find relatives who, when living, knew people who remembered or experienced slavery. This is not something we should "get over," as so many callous apologists proclaim. It was not that long ago, and we are still dealing with many aftermaths of that horrible institution.

We should not act as if segregation was so long ago. My parents can remember the "whites only" signs and marches of the '60s. Only 50 years ago were the seminal Woolworth's sit-ins in North Carolina. As much as we've accomplished as a people, as interwoven into the mainstream as so many of us believe we are, we must not surrender our collective memories of what so many of our ancestors and contemporaries survived.

So that brings me to the question at hand: What will you do during Black History Month?

I will probably attend a lecture or two. I'll look for events that may be appropriate for the Little Ladies. We'll probably watch some worthwhile public television as well. Most of all, I'll make more of an effort to do what we've always tried to do - show our daughters who we are, where we've been and why we're here. This is a conscious, purposeful and natural effort that is part of who we are as people and as parents.

How Does This Make You Feel?

Watch this video, which, after being posted on numerous gossip and news sites, is making waves online. It is described as "The harsh reality of prison rape . . . in this shocking and sobering documentary from filmmaker Jonathan Schwartz. Inside Alabama's Limestone Correctional Facility, five inmates talk candidly about sexual abuse as a part of life on the inside."




Then think about the fact that one in nine black men between the ages of 20-34 is incarcerated, according to the Pew Center on the States.

Then realize that most inmates are eventually released and return to their home communities. According to the American Correctional Association, 95 percent of those incarcerated will one day be released.

Thoughts?

I just discovered that the entire documentary is called "Turned Out: Sexual Assault Behind Bars." It is available on YouTube in several installments.

Looking Overseas for Black Love: The Next Frontier for Black Women?

My husband and I have had many talks about the romantic prospects and prognosis of our Little Ladies, in light of the many negative and foreboding statistics about black men and black boys in America. I feel, for example, that if the plight facing black women is as depressing and bleak as it seems and, for many, is, then just imagine what it will be like for the next generation.

My little girls in the throes of a generation full of black boys born to and raised by single women, many with no fathers nor paternal figures in sight or within reach. As an experience at the park last year so soberly showed me, we are facing a future generation of black children who have never seen black men and black women married to each other, not simply shacking up, making babies and abdicating their responsibilities.

My mother has told me on more than one occassion that we might as well face the reality - that our Little Ladies may grow into women who either date or seriously consider pairing up with non-black men.

I see quite clearly how that could happen. Each week, especially lately it seems, I see or detect something that makes me realize how much of an anomaly we have become. Married. Black. Middle class. Employed. Educated. Conscious. All in one package. I'm not bragging or boasting, but this package is increasingly rare among our people. And that's sad. I encounter young black men and women who are shocked by the simplest things I take for granted sometimes - like wearing a wedding band or casually referring to my husband in conversation or even that my husband is the father of our kids.

So, my husband has said hell will have to freeze over before our daughters date or marry white men. At this, I laugh. I sigh. I say, "Oh, really?" I scoff, "You think you can control that?"

And he says, "Well, black women need to realize America is not the world. They need to travel and look outside our borders for love."

And I reply, "That's not realistic for most women. Globe-trotting for a husband should not be required nor expected. For one, women shouldn't be the hunters and gatherers in matters of match-making. Secondly, most women don't have the discretionary means to hit up all sorts of locales for love."

But a friend's recent experience shows that my husband my have a point. And as I have started researching this potential phenomenon, there seems to be some currency among black women  - who are loyal to black men and refuse to deal with white or other non-black men - to pursue black men who happen not to be Americanized.

A friend of mine, attractive, kind, in her late 30s, with two children, recently got married to a brother from Colombia. Early in their dating life, she told me he could not understand why black men in America treat sisters so callously. That's the way he saw it. He said men from his country believe in family and making their women proud. He went so far as to say that he knew many men from his home who would stumble, scramble and scrape to have a chance with many of the black women here in America who cannot get a date (think of the types of women recently profiled on Nightline).

My husband knows an old friend who eventually married a black man from Cuba, after apparently trying her luck with American brothers for who knows how long.

In looking back at my own experience, I can see how black men from different countries might come to the table with a different set of expectations and responsibility when it comes to relationships. For example, when I was in college, the Nigerian brothers loved a sista! (That would be me.) In speaking with them, they clearly expressed a desire to date me, but said they wanted to make sure they finished school, got a good job and secured a house before we could talk about getting serious. At some point when I was being approached by such brothers, I was engaged to my now-husband, and one of the Nigerian brothers thought my future mate incredibly irresponsible and unprepared because he did not yet own a home and was not ready to provide for a family. He even went so far as to say that such a man would be a laughingstock in his hometown.

That was how serious the Nigerian men I encountered perceived commitment and marriage. I have met few American brothers with the same set of standards - especially for themselves. These men had a very rigid, defined and high set of ideals they felt they needed to attain before being seen as marriage material at all. I can count on one hand the number of black American men I've encountered who believe they need to complete steps A-Z before seriously approaching a woman for life-long commitment.

Fundamentally, I believe American black men are acculturated differently than brothers from other spaces and places. Of course, I can only speak generally and from my own experiences, but maybe this is a consideration today's single black women should weigh. Perhaps this is a conversation we need to be having.

Have you noticed a difference in the level of seriousness and standards of non-American black men when it comes to marriage and relationships? Do black men from other places carry the same baggage and pathologies as many American black men? Is looking internationally a feasible option for black women who don't want to resign the mantle of their idyllic black prince?

“Men Don’t Leave Their Children; They Leave Their Women”

On a recent airing of the Warren Ballentine show, the nationally syndicated talk radio host and author made this very statement. It was in response to a show focused on exploring the dynamics of black male-black female relationships in our community, and several male callers had indicated that they either were already involved in the lives of their children or had a strong desire to be.

“Men don’t leave their children; they leave their women.”

That’s what Warren said. At the time, I wanted to curl up my lips and scoff with the rest of the amen choir of sister listeners who were probably tuned in across the country and doing the same thing at that very moment. But that quote has crystallized in my mind, and here I am, thinking about it weeks later, because I am feeling like Mr. Ballentine is on to something and totally has a point that is painful and too personal to discuss openly among ourselves.

“Men don’t leave their children; they leave their women.”

Let me first explain why I had such a hard time with this statement on its face. As a woman and as a mother – or maybe just as a human being – I recognize that the sexes are just different, period. There’s that whole chromosomal thing, that Venus vs. Mars. There’s the fact that we were designed differently for many distinct reasons – Biblically – and that science has shown differences in how men and women, boys and girls, operate and think. Specifically, as a mother, I know how attached, invested, linked, connected, drawn to, caught up in, allied with, in love with, caring for, adoring of, committed to, obligated toward, passionate about . . . [insert any number of similar descriptors] my Little Ladies.

My children are the light of my life and have become the first consideration in most that I do.

That’s why it’s hard for me to fathom how men can leave their children. I feel disassociated from fathers who are so in a biological sense only. How a man can abandon or dismiss an innocent being with his genetic input and, perhaps, so many of his other qualities is so foreign to me. And I seldom, if ever, grant such men a pass when it comes to excuses, defenses or explanations. Not raising one’s own child is just trifling, selfish, irresponsible, clueless, careless and inhumane.

But then we come to this: “Men don’t leave their children; they leave their women.”

A male friend recently related something similar to me. And I’ve heard anecdotal stories on this theme over the years, in pockets, in relative isolation, away from the fanfare of single mothers doing it all by themselves. Beneath the reality – and appearance – of single sisters struggling, striving and straining to raise their babies on the solo tip occasionally lurks an accomplice who keeps the man – the father – at bay.

That accomplice, ostensibly, can be the mother herself. Sometimes she stands between the father and the children – and on purpose.

The reasons and rationalizations for this vary. Sometimes women are angry that the amorous relationship with the father has ended, so they prevent him from seeing his children. In other instances, the relationship has been dead for a long time and everything seems functional, until he pairs up with a new woman, and then things fall apart, due to the mother’s jealousy.

In some cases, the father has fallen on hard times and can’t make the court-ordered or agreed-upon-under-the-table child support payments. Tying his access to the children directly to his financial support, some mothers favor the dollars over time with daddy; this makes the entire paternal experience conditional for the children in a way they cannot control or prevent.

Sometimes, women let family interfere. They let relatives’ unsolicited advice and unsubstantiated opinions get in the way, keeping the father at bay as a result. Some families are so dysfunctional that they feel being raised by a coop of cackling women is better than having a willing and able father in the picture, however limited. Misery has always loved company.

The Internet is replete with tales of woe and wrongdoing by mothers who won’t let their children’s father(s) interact with them. It’s also loaded with information on why good fathers are such a formative ingredient in the optimal development of a child of either sex.

Fathermag.com is devoted to showing the world why and how fathers are important to children’s well-being. One article, “Fatherless Boys at Risk,” offers some sobering and disturbing nuggets on what can occur, finding that:

• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)


• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)


• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)


• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)


• 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)


• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

Hmm. I wonder if we’d find similar stats if we surveyed strippers, teenage mothers, adult inmates and other social castaways.

The federal Child Welfare Information Gateway also shines a light on the critical role of fathers. Their positive involvement is positively associated with children’s educational, psychological, cognitive and behavioral well-being:

The mother-father relationship, the agency says, is fundamental: One of the most important influences a father can have on his child is indirect—fathers influence their children in large part through the quality of their relationship with the mother of their children. A father who has a good relationship with the mother of their children is more likely to be involved and to spend time with their children and to have children who are psychologically and emotionally healthier. Similarly, a mother who feels affirmed by her children's father and who enjoys the benefits of a happy relationship is more likely to be a better mother. Indeed, the quality of the relationship affects the parenting behavior of both parents. They are more responsive, affectionate, and confident with their infants; more self-controlled in dealing with defiant toddlers; and better confidants for teenagers seeking advice and emotional support.

One of the most important benefits of a positive relationship between mother and father, and a benefit directly related to the objectives of the CPS caseworker, is the behavior it models for children. Fathers who treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict within the relationship in an adult and appropriate manner are more likely to have boys who understand how they are to treat women and who are less likely to act in an aggressive fashion toward females. Girls with involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships. In contrast, research has shown that husbands who display anger, show contempt for, or who stonewall their wives (i.e., "the silent treatment") are more likely to have children who are anxious, withdrawn, or antisocial.

I believe that unless there is a history of physical, sexual or emotional maltreatment or abuse, children should have access to their fathers – whatever the relationship between the mother and the father. It doesn’t matter if he cheated on the mother, if he can’t afford child support right now or if he’s moved on and made another woman his legitimate wife.

What do you think? Have you witnessed – or been party to – this type of toxic dynamic?